In 2020, my life changed unexpectedly and drastically. What started as a normal year, full of expectations and routine, suddenly became a deep valley of sadness, confusion and most of all loss. Two events shook my world: the sudden loss of my stepmother and an abortion that affected me more emotionally than I could have ever predicted. It was the beginning of a period in which I completely lost myself, but eventually found myself again, stronger and more loving than ever before.

Lost in Sorrow

I completely lost my grip on myself. I felt empty, lost, as if I could no longer find my way back to myself. The inner storms of sadness and self-reproach drove me further and further away from who I once was. I no longer knew how to be kind to myself, and instead I turned away from my own vulnerability.

It took me a long time to realize that letting go of this pain wasn’t a sign of weakness, it was a sign of strength. It was like learning to breathe again, step by step. There was a moment when I decided: this is not how my story ends. I knew I had to find myself again, even if I didn’t know how at the time.

Cacao as a source of self-love and healing

In my quest for healing, I came across cacao, a ceremonial ritual deeply connected to opening the heart. I had heard of it, but I could not imagine how powerful and healing this plant would be for my journey. What started as an experiment became an important daily ritual. Every time I drank cacao, I felt a deep connection with myself, a softness that I had not felt in a long time.

Cacao was a gentle but powerful guide. It helped me to open my heart again, not only to others, but also to myself. For the first time in a long time, I felt compassion for my own pain. Cacao made me realize that self-love is not an end goal, but a process of constantly becoming gentler with yourself, even on the days when it’s hard. It taught me that my vulnerability is a strength, and that I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love.

The journey to self-love is one of trial and error. I began to understand that the pain I had experienced was part of my healing process. By facing my loss and grief, I could make room for something new: love, including for myself. Slowly but surely, I found myself again, but not as the same person. I was transformed, more deeply connected to my own core, with more love and understanding for myself than ever before.

Sharing is healing
One day, I decided to share my story in a TikTok video, something I never thought I would do. I had no idea what it would trigger, but I felt compelled to share this moment of vulnerability. What happened next was beyond anything I could have imagined. The video went viral, and within a short time, I was inundated with hundreds of messages from women who had gone through the same thing. Women who also felt lost after an abortion, women who no longer knew what to do with their lives. It was overwhelming, but at the same time incredibly powerful. I realized that I was not alone in my pain, and that there were so many others who needed support and guidance too.

The hundreds of DMs I received touched me deeply. The stories these women shared showed me how universal our pain and grief were. It got me thinking: how could I make a difference? How could I help these women on their own journeys of grief and healing?

This is how the idea for my e-book "Silent Loss" came about. In this e-book I guide women through the (grieving) process after an abortion, an experience that is often kept quiet and remains invisible to the outside world. The goal of my book is to give them the space to embrace their grief, to find themselves again, and to look lovingly at their own story. I share my own journey, my own healing, and the tools that have helped me to find myself again.

In "Silent Loss" I also dedicated a valuable piece to cacao. It is more than just a drink; it is a ritual of self-love and connection. Cacao not only helped me to open my heart, but also to transform my pain into something soft, something healing. For any woman going through a silent mourning period, cacao can be a gentle companion on the path to healing.

From Self-Loss to Self-Love
The process of losing myself and finding myself has taught me a lot. I’ve learned that even in the darkest moments, I am able to get back up and move on. I’ve learned that self-love is a daily process, a choice you make over and over again. And I’ve learned that it’s okay to receive help from the world around you, whether that’s in the form of friends, family, or the healing power of plants like cacao.

My journey began with pain, loss, and sadness, but ended with a renewed love for myself and the world around me. Although I never chose these events, they have shaped me into the person I am today: powerful, loving, and most importantly, able to heal. The journey has been tough, but it has been worth it.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is this: even in the deepest moments of sadness, there can be room for love. Love for life, for the people around you, and most importantly, love for yourself. Cacao helped me find that love again, and I will be forever grateful for that gift.

Love Jet,

@jetanneke